The Scrawlings of Richard Randle, a Genuine Celebrity.

I’m a strange sort of fellow. You would have thought that after 14 straight hours of hard work I’d be knackered. But to be honest I’m more awake than an insomniac after their fifth coffee of the day.

Anyway while at work today I was reading the paper and saw that Joe Cole’s fiancée had been voted off ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here,’ and it got me thinking-I have every right to be on that programme-and here’s why.

Some of you may know that in 1998 I was actually in a movie. And by 1998 I mean 1999-as that is when it was first shown. And by movie, I mean an extended TV drama-but sod off its near enough a movie dammit. And by ‘in’ I actually mean ‘was an extra who only appeared on screen for five seconds.’

Hands up all those who saw ‘Goodnight Mister Tom.’ I bet more of you out there watched it than who know what Joe Cole’s fiancée looks like.

So tomorrow I shall pick up the phone, dial ITV and scream ‘I’M A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE!’ demand a cheque for £1million and then slam it down again. And I’d eat one of those Witchetty Grubs, honestly, I would.

I shall then phone the BBC-inform them of my celebrity status and then request to take up John Sergeant’s now vacant place on Strictly Come Dancing. In fact I’d be rather good on that-you should see me at work. I move with more rhythm than Brendan Cole, pirouette quicker than Erin Boag, and shift my arms with more vigour than Vincent Simone dancing the Paso Doble. I look a complete prat, but heck I bet with a few hours of dance training I’d have Len Goodman shouting his iconic ‘seveeeen’ (following Craig Revel Harwood’s rather harsh ‘two’ and Arlene Phillips’ sympathetic ‘five’).

And why stop there? I’m more than capable of being on Celebrity Big Brother too. I’d be useless at cooking, would create a guitar out of nothing but cereal boxes, old toilet roll tubes and lengths of string, and scratch something far more interesting into the table than Vanessa Feltz ever did. And I’d probably win it too.

And as a single man, I’d jump at the chance to star on Celebrity Love Island, though mainly to gawp at the lovely Fearne Cotton. But put Katie White down there and I’d get her ‘tingin.’ Ho ho, I’m the worst Joker ever.

Following my heroics on I’m a Celeb, my lunacy on Strictly, my victory in Celeb Big Brother, and my engagement to Katie White on Celebrity Love Island, I’d cap it all off by appearing with Katie on Celebrity Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and become the first celebs to win the jackpot. I’d invest the winnings in Woolworths, heck they need all the help they can get at the moment.

So to all my friends on Facebook, consider yourself lucky to be friends with a real celebrity. For I’ve actually done something far more worthwhile than a desperate, concrete faced, stuck-up, 24 year old from Rhyl. I’ve starred in a Hollywood blockbuster, and never, ever bragged about it. Not even once.