Well there's no beating about the bush-you can't put a price on love. Those who find it will tell you it's the best thing that ever happened to them-meeting the one person they can tell everything to, the one who makes a hard day at work bearable knowing they'd be collapsing into their arms when they got home, the one who makes their life complete.
They'll tell you the stories of how they met, and all the while you're thinking 'lucky bastard' and whether or not a punch in the face would be the appropriate thing to do in order to shut them up.
It's hard for a singleton whose never found love, especially after 22 years. So recently I bit the bullet and joined Match.com (they've got a love guarantee-I thought I'd see if I could push it to it's boundaries!).
And from the outside it seems great-you enter a few details about yourself, upload a couple of photos, and boom! The honeys come rolling in.
Wrong. You spend an hour entering the most irrelevant details about yourself. One such example being whether or not you like Dogs. I clicked 'I like but don't have', and now half my searches come back saying to me 'ooh you may like this person, like you she is a dog lover.' I'm not a bloody dog lover!
And frankly ‘Dog Lovers’ scare me a little bit. I couldn’t kiss someone who just moments ago had planted a sloppy kiss on their dog’s nose, and probably with more passion than they’d use to give you a smacker.
And another one-What best describes your daily diet, Meat and Potatoes, Vegetarian/Vegan, Fast Food or Keep it Healthy? What do you do if you like your meat with vegetables?! And what happens if you work in a fast food restaurant but don't want to admit you actually eat so much crap it's a probable danger to your health-not that I know anyone that works in a fast food joint of course...
Do you play a Musical Instrument? Well yes I do, I've played the electric guitar since I was ten, and quite frankly think that would be a nice thing to say on my profile. Of course there is no guitar option to click on there-the nearest thing is 'rock band' or 'string quartet.' I clicked 'other,' and since when was 'rock band' or 'string quartet' a musical instrument anyway?!
Finally it gives you a list of your turn ons to choose from. What so you're telling me what my turn ons are now? You don't know me! What happens if leather bound books and the smell of rich mahogany get me ticking (you stay classy San Diego!)? I bet that's not on your list now, is it?
Then for the profile photo. You upload a few shots expecting one to show up as your default-but no, there's a longer way around doing that just to keep you on your toes.
But your hours of waiting are now paying off. You've built your profile; you've dealt with the interrogation and passed the upload photo test (and are now waiting 24 hours for it to be approved). It's time to get searching for the person of your dreams.
What's that? No I'm not a cat lover either. For goodness sake.
You make a few searches and find nothing, but then, bingo! Yes she's the one! She's the one! Are you interested? Yes! You frantically click ‘yes’ to send her your interest. If you're lucky she'll click ‘yes’ back.
After a few days of waiting you receive a notification. You've scored; she's clicked ‘yes’ back. Time to start talking, time to let the love blossom, time to send her an email.
You what?! £10.99 to send an email. You're really having a laugh now.
I could have written my message of romance on expensive paper, put it inside a cast-iron chest, added some extra weight (roses, wine, chocolate), sent it via airmail, and paid extra to make sure it arrived before 9am the following day, and it still would have been cheaper.
Well that's brilliant isn't it? You've found someone who could be the one for you, but will now need to spend £10.99 (a month, and for at least a further five months!) for the privilege of sending her an email, during which she'll probably reply back saying she wasn't that interested anyway and her clicking 'yes' was as a result of a late night binging session, which Match.com assumed I was also interested in simply because I clicked 'I like alcohol' in my profile box.
So I have a solution. Go to a bar, find a girl, get talking, and do it all the proper way, and forget all about the useless, time wasting, expensive, robotic experience that online dating is.
Actually, scratch that, I've just found a girl who happens to really enjoy Formula One-so if you'd kindly excuse me I'm about to take my chances and engage in some Match.com style flirting with her- by clicking 'yes.' I do hope she's paid for emails...
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