Internet dating is a thing of the past, Supermarkets are the way to go.

Well it’s been over a week now since I joined Match.com, apparently the UK’s largest online dating site, and as of yet, I’ve had no luck.

I say that, I’ve did receive an email off a woman the other day (Yes, I know, I almost had a heart attack too).

Now before I go into details, I should point out that on my profile I have stated I’m looking for women aged 18-24.

This woman is 39, and is looking for guys between the ages of 40-50.

Can you not read love?! When I said I was looking for girls aged 18-24, I didn’t mean 18-24, give or take 15 years.

But then again maybe she skipped my details and looked straight at my photos, thought “yeah he seems like the mature type, well groomed, full head of hair, probably a pipe-smoker and tweed flat cap wearer-I’ll give him a try.”

If she looked at my photos and assumed I was between 40 and 50, then something drastic must have happened, the other day a customer at work assumed I was 16.

I’m aware of the saying that a camera adds a few pounds, I didn’t realise in my case it added a few decades as well. Crikey, I’ve aged at least 24 years in 2 days. Someone book me a funeral, and while you’re at it, I want a gold casket and Shaheen Jafargholi to perform a tribute.

You thought Michael Jackson’s funeral was something special-you wait till you come to mine!

Sorry, I’ve sidetracked horribly.

Anyway, The fact she missed that I’m looking for a girl 15 years younger than her also tells me to avoid.

But then at the back of my head I hear those words that have dogged me my whole life; “Ah there you go being all picky again!”

I’ve also been told to lower my standards, which I intend to do, but not to the point where I’m dating someone old enough to be my mother.

Heck, if I got with this woman I could end up being her carer when I’m supposedly in the prime of my life.

“Rich, you up for the pub tonight?”

“Nah, sorry mate, I’m giving the missus a bed bath and a cup of hot cocoa.”

And another thing, the latest TV advert states that the website is full of ‘gorgeous girls.’

Am I missing something here? All my matches so far look as if they shot out of the womb straight into a brick wall.

This does not mean, by the way, that once again I’ve set my standards too high. These girls just have to be seen to be believed.

Actually, no that’s disgracefully harsh of me. They’re not that bad, I’m just being picky, again.

But to be honest I’m now thinking that Internet dating is over-rated, and so I’ve devised a new plan.

It’s called Supermarket Sweep, and before you ask, no it does not involve dashing around filling up trolleys with items you’ve been told to find by a perma-tanned, camp television presenter.

But what a great idea it would be if Waitrose, Tesco, Morrisons or Aldi were to hold blind date sessions at their stores?

If you were upper class you’d find a girl at Waitrose, if you were more middle class you’d head to Tesco, and if you were bottom of the barrel looking for a cheap fix you’d go to Aldi.

You’d be assigned to each girl at random, help her with her shopping and have a friendly conversation while you’re going along.

What better way to find out everything about a girl?

“So, Rich, does this girl like Motorsport?”

“Beats me, but I know she likes Broccoli, uses Herbal Essences shampoo, drinks Jacobs Creek rose wine and listens to 80’s music.”

And also, if she picks up a crate of beer, or hair removal cream, you’d know to run a mile.

After all I wouldn’t want to be sitting in my garden sipping away at my Fruli, only to turn to my right to see my girl on her fifth John Smiths of the night, with armpit hair billowing out of her crop-top.

Actually if she’s buying the crate of beer for me then that’s acceptable I suppose.

Literally anyone could take part in Supermarket Sweep-even guys too shy to actually meet girls could boost their confidence by trying to charm the scanners off the self-service checkouts, let’s face it that computerised voice is quite seductive.

“Please scan your Clubcard.”

And there’s another thought-successful dates could always be rewarded with Clubcard points, and those dates that don’t quite work could be refunded, or exchanged for an alternative date-after all, every little helps.

You know what, I think I’ve struck gold here. Tesco, expect a phone call.