You wouldn't modify a Morris Minor, so why modify a Saxo?

I, like many of my friends here in leafy Redditch despise the current trend of modifying cars. If anyone can give me a genuine reason why a Citroen Saxo needs a two metre long rear spoiler, skirts and ridiculously styled front bumpers, without suggesting it 'looks good' frankly, deserves a knighthood-for they will display more genius quality than Albert Einstein, Islambard Kingdom Brunel and myself put together. And anyway, aren't skirts meant for girls?

They just have no point. On top of the ridiculous aesthetics, the engines are normally loudened, and exhausts are opened wider than the Thames Barrier.

They say you can hear some cars, Aston Martins, Ferraris, and Lamborghinis for example from over a mile away, and that's fine. I want to hear the glorious whine of a mighty V12 engine, singing to its hearts extent. But I swear the other night I was awoken by a Saxo pulling off a drive somewhere in Sutton Coldfield. And it wasn't the engine, it was the damn popping noise the exhausts make every time the things change gear.

How the 'yoof' see this as cool is beyond my cranial capacity. Frankly, if I ran this country I'd have them banned.

And here's another thing. Some of these 'yoof' will claim that making these modifications will increase the speed and handling of their cars-forgetting that each modification made will increase weight, thus hampering BOTH speed and handling. Then, a rear spoiler will add drag, again drastically slowing down the car. Putting a parachute out the back of the car wouldn't slow it down as much.

To think of it another way-it's like plastic surgery. If you were an average looking person, naturally you will consider some sort of cosmetic enhancement. But you wouldn't want to make yourself look worse would you? Car modification is the equivalent of saying to your Surgeon "Ah yes, Brad Pitt, I'd like to look like him, but before you do that, why don't you move my nose onto my forehead, my mouth to where my nose was, my right eye to where my mouth was, and my left ear to where my right eye was. And then you can replace my voice box with a device that artificially changes the sound of my voice, and widen my mouth so that every time it opens it pops. And once you've done that is there any chance you can tattoo my forehead with the slogan 'I'm a pillock'?"

Seriously, the only time a modified car will be cool is when James Bond pulls up outside a pretty Brunettes house, winds the window down (with some kind of drum and bass booming out of the 20-inch-subwoofer hidden in the boot for good measure) and yells out "Wot up bitch. I got me a bangin Saxo" and then shoots off into the distance in a cloud of smoke (probably created by some kind of smoke machine normally found in a night club).

And even then I doubt he'd convene outside McDonalds with 20 others to show off his latest random bit of plastic glued to the side of his car.

I wonder when all this came about-I certainly never noticed them when I was younger. And I seriously doubt this culture existed when my parents were young. I can just imagine it though, someone driving round the corner in their 1965 Morris Minor having just passed their test, only to reveal, much to his friends disgust, that the car is now adorned with an oversized rear spoiler, full length skirts and a bumper that would't look out of place on Leslie Ash's face.

But I fail to see the trend ending anytime soon, so I will send out a plea. If anyone out there has an un-modified Saxo and wishes to sell it, send it my way, and I will modify it in the most creative of ways. No, I won't add a spoiler, I won't even think of adding a bumper. There will be no need for Subwoofers, Alloys, Skirts or flashing lights.

I will simply push it off the edge of the Rotunda in Birmingham and let gravity do the rest. It will still look better than half of them do now.